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>> No. 18262 Anonymous ## Mod ##
5th March 2014
Wednesday 8:27 pm
18262 Please check the old pages for similar threads Locked Stickied
before creating a new one.
Failure to do so may result in angry shouting.
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>> No. 29363 Anonymous
2nd February 2020
Sunday 12:12 pm
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Go here if you want to talk to someone one-on-one: https://discord.gg/Nwn8b29

>> No. 30764 Anonymous
7th May 2021
Friday 8:40 pm
30764 Porn Addiction
Writing this more as an indicator of hope for anyone who might be struggling with this rather than seeking advice for myself.

If you're someone who, like me, has considered themselves a porn addict and has been trying to shake the habit of masturbating fruitlessly to porn, then don't give up, it is possible but you have to ADHERE to it. Dumping your video/image collection, not accessing sites or staying off instagram pages does help clean out your mind and reduce your dependence on the stuff.

During the first half of last year's lockdown, I completely deleted all my porn, and for 6+ months I felt so much better not having to go through the ritual of opening up a video and wanking to it, or worse, cycling multiple videos and not really wanking, just constantly looking for the dopamine hit. I've had instances of relapse (mostly from the mania of things re-opening and work being work), which have made me feel terrible, but in all I've done a lot better than I have been for the past 5 years or more.

To contextualise a little, I'm 30, male and bisexual, and was pretty much fully aware of porn as a late teen but at the stage was never truly aware that it really wiggles into your brain. From being quite socially outgoing in my 20s, I managed to become somewhat oversexed, shared porn and fetishes with various partners, always liked to stay fit too because I liked to feel confident and hot especially with other people. Time goes on though and with changes in social circles and attitudes, the casual sex slows down, particularly when you become more serious with people. Wanking on your own to porn doesn't really go away though, most men my age end up doing it easily.

From about 25 onwards, maybe 24, I was buying porn videos off places like clips4sale and other pay sites, purely because I wanted the videos immediately and really didn't want to wade through various dodgy websites for something I knew I could just have legitimately and stick on whenever. No harm done. A couple of things really affected me over the course of this; one of which is how performing in porn is just a job like any other, it's not real sex, it's fantasy, I get that and why that maintains such an appeal especially if you're looking for a 5 minute or 20 minute thrill, but what really occurred to me is how those performers are basically immortalised in those videos. They're on to the next job after that shoot has wrapped up, they age like anyone else. It hit me how certain pornstars and models I had wanked over had died, and I felt very uncomfortable continuing to use videos of them when they were alive. It's much different to seeing an actor in a film after they've passed away, you don't really sit there wanking to films.

Generally speaking as well, I've always managed to maintain my expectations when it comes to having actual sex with people, how much messier it is, even with all my porn consumption I don't think it totally warped my sense of reality with women or men. In a wider sense though, other men I've met seem to have completely had their minds changed by it, some young men seem to have an uncontrollable relationship with it, but never acknowledging it as such. My actual sexual interests always seemed to remain consistent, something I never understood was people who constantly had to delve into every type of porn (I want to stress by this I mean legal porn, I've never been tweaked to the point I feel the need to look at anything extreme), looking for a new thrill. I don't expect people to constantly be articulating what gets them off, but when people exhibit signs of no shame at all from porn exposure, it really sets off alarms to me.

Drug use in my 20s really didn't help much at all, MDMA and sex is one thing (which I'm convinced did serious damage to my ability to produce serotonin and hence contributed to this), wanking to porn on weed and LSD is another, and wanking on coke is just fucking misery. I kicked a lot of that a long time ago because weed wanking would especially just keep me ticking over on videos all night. If you have to kick a substance too to help you slow down your porn usage, do that as well, all for the better.

Porn to me is a lot like any other easily abused substance, it provides an incredibly short term thrill but can have extremely long term effects, but I find it isn't always seen as such. I've kicked alcohol, smoking and drugs, but porn I've always found has definitely been the one to linger the most, purely to my level of consumption as a younger adult.
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>> No. 30766 Anonymous
7th May 2021
Friday 9:00 pm
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If you're actually paying for porn I would consider that a sign you have a problem.
>> No. 30767 Anonymous
7th May 2021
Friday 9:02 pm
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This is basically why I made the post.
>> No. 30768 Anonymous
7th May 2021
Friday 9:05 pm
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Just to follow-up on this I have to point out once pornhub deleted all unverified videos following allegations of non-consensual content being uploaded I noticed a lot of dodgier-looking free sites immediately cropped up.
>> No. 30769 Anonymous
7th May 2021
Friday 9:15 pm
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That if anything is what moved me toward buying porn, it cut out being in that mire of questionably moderated websites.
>> No. 30770 Anonymous
7th May 2021
Friday 9:58 pm
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Interesting post, thank you for sharing. I have a couple of questions and observations, if you don't mind letting me ramble a bit, and maybe telling me what you think.

I don't really understand how one becomes a porn addict. I see a lot of myself in your post- I'm a complete fetish deviant, and I've long since left regular porn behind for the realms of hentai and furry porn, which indulges altogether more imaginative kinds of lust. Regular old porn where it's just a video of two people fucking does next to nothing for me, there's just no substance to it. All night wanking sessions on the come down from an acid trip with a fat spliff burning down on the bedside table have been a more frequent indulgence than I'd like to admit throughout the course of my 20s; indeed that's how I came to confront the fact I'm most likely bisexual, and at any rate I love having my prostate tickled.

The difference is I'm really not ashamed of any of it. It doesn't feel like a problem to me at all- I might spend hours edging myself over an elaborate and highly unusual fantasy, but once I've spaffed my load? Serenity and relief washes over me. My urges entirely vanish for an hour or two, and my mind isn't troubled at all. It's just another part of my day, and I go about my business afterwards the same way you would as if you'd just finished doing the dishes or built a MÖRBYLÅNGA for the living room. It doesn't affect my "real life" sexuality, although as you might reasonably expect the frequency and nature of my habits changes depending on how sexually pro-active my partner is.

Was it the sheer frequency of it? Was it clouding your mind at inappropriate times, and you couldn't resist it? Was it encouraging unhealthy attitudes towards your real sex life? What made you decide to confront this habit as if it was a problem, and not just something you do?

The reason I ask is because there are certain internet communities that have become fascinating to me. The attitude that porn is some sort of toxic mental carcinogen seems to becoming rather widespread amongst younger lads in certain parts, with this whole "nofap" cult spectacularly reviving a bizarre modern reincarnation of 1890s Quakerism; and I believe the attitudes and philosophy of those groups is every bit as unhealthy as an overindulgence in even the worst sort of porn. They believe that denying themselves masturbation will help them keep their focus on real sex with real women, and bettering themselves in order to be more appealing to women. Now, you really don't have to be a sexual health expert to see the flaws in that approach. It becomes a vicious cycle for them.

As with nearly anything in life, I believe the true way lies with all things in moderation, and that the real problem for these lads lies in a lack of self confidence, and a fractured relationship with their sexuality. They cycle between repression and obsession, because they have never had the opportunity of positive sexual encounters to frame their instinctual desires against. It's like, society, maaan.

Of course, I don't mean to suggest you're one of them, OP. But I see some similarities in your reasoning, which made me curious how you came to those conclusions. Why did porn make you feel bad?

>> No. 23560 Anonymous
16th November 2016
Wednesday 6:49 pm
23560 Minor angst and existential dread, Mk. I
We tend to have a lot of repeated threads here, but I also get the feeling people don't tend to post in /emo/ unless it's a big issue.

With this in mind I suggest that we have a thread for stuff that's got you down a bit and you need to get off your chest, without it being major enough to make an entire thread devoted to it. We can also use it as a go-to for minor relationship advice, work problems, social drama, and things like that.

Everyone gets down from time to time, let's put some Sisters of Mercy on and wallow together for a while.
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>> No. 30760 Anonymous
6th May 2021
Thursday 6:55 pm
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>Yeah, awww, that's awful....mm hmmm

Sounds like you're pretty shit at listening to people m8, I'd refrain from giving relationship advice if I were you.
>> No. 30761 Anonymous
6th May 2021
Thursday 7:04 pm
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The thing is, there's a difference between "emotional labour" and just being someone someone else can talk at.
>> No. 30762 Anonymous
6th May 2021
Thursday 7:17 pm
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That may be so, but I'm giving the benefit of the doubt that that's what he actually means, not just that his missus likes to yap for no good reason. Even if she does, I reckon he's well within his rights not to have to put up with it during work hours.
>> No. 30763 Anonymous
6th May 2021
Thursday 7:26 pm
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Sounds like this is a managing expectations problem. Your girlfriend has to understand you are not their shrink and aren't available 100% of the time. And you need to accept you can't fix every single problem and when your girlfriend is upset like this it isn't directly under your control or fault. Life can't be perfect all the time. This problem in particular though if it hasn't fixed itself by tomorrow morning I will be amazed.
>> No. 30765 Anonymous
7th May 2021
Friday 8:53 pm
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I've never done anything computing-related academically, but I've tried to teach myself programming on multiple occasions, and I too am shit at it. But there's plenty of IT stuff out there that isn't programming. If you can learn networking or anything like that, you'll get a job that's just as good, plus you won't have to share it with 15-year-old LARPers on the Internet.

>> No. 30730 Anonymous
4th May 2021
Tuesday 3:09 pm
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I think i just accused someone of inapropriate behaviour around children.

A public swimming pool with glass walls around, one directly on a footpath.
The person was stood against the window with a young dog, peering into the pool of children across the far end.
As i aproached, it seemed to me a lifeguard was also coming 'round to investigate from inside - no eye contact was made. What other reason would staff have to come all the way to the opposite end of the pool where no users were present?
As i passed i asked loudly "Do you have a family in there?", to which the person said yes and mumbled something as i walked off.

It's generally known that this location is inapropriate to stop at, especially so if your face is pressed to the glass like this persons was.

All i can think is to talk with the receptionist/manager and offer to pay for blinds to be put in the relevant windows.
I'm trying to convice myself it was right to 'confront' this person yet i feel bad for doing so.
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>> No. 30742 Anonymous
4th May 2021
Tuesday 5:50 pm
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>This place hasn't changed since 2011 m8. We just have more generals now. I distinctly remember a enlightened discussion on the merits of air ionisers around that time.

I don't see how at all that is relevant to OP turning into a NIMBY.
>> No. 30743 Anonymous
4th May 2021
Tuesday 6:43 pm
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>Ofcourse i don't actually know that this person was peeping at the kids

This is the part that's the problem.
>> No. 30745 Anonymous
4th May 2021
Tuesday 7:52 pm
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I for one would rather not be part of a community of paranoid curtain twitchers who scream carpet-bagger! every time a lone man pauses to check their phone within half a mile of a playground.
That kind of behaviour has a much more corrosive effect on the community as a whole than the occasional potentially creepy guy who's motives the OP jumped to conclusions about looking over a pool fence.

For example:

I remember reading an article about a similar survey from the UK a couple of years ago with similar results but google isn't being particularly helpful.
>> No. 30748 Anonymous
4th May 2021
Tuesday 8:53 pm
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Maybe the issue here is my perception with regard to children. Both my parents were abused, so i've been vaguely aware of that sort of thing from too young an age. It's like i'm trying to push too far the other way. Projection, init?
Just for context, >>/emo/30452 was my thread also.

I still think the pool guy's was unusual behavior, and i sort of recognised the alleged culprit as someone who was locally known to be engaging in disproportionately aged relationships (though i didn't know that until after i spoke - he looked back at me).
The day previous to this i recognised someone else in the same general location who was historically accused of public masturbation before children. This must have been playing on my mind.

The recolection of these 2 factors seems to add more weight away from the 'just let it be' attitude apparent here (which i may well be misunderstanding). I'm moderately aware of the process by which we search for complimentary evidence and discard anything contrary to our conclusions, by the way.
This is emotionally charged so it's difficult to let go - how could someone forgive themselves for discarding the safety of a child for fuck sake.
Where is the ballance between hypervigilance and complete apathy?
How do people develop their ability to appropriately detect and mitigate threats?

I'm not sure where to go from here. It's quite possible i made a mistake in my comment to the guy looking into the pool - i've made such faux pas before though of lesser consequence.

>Most men are reluctant to help lost kids
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>> No. 30749 Anonymous
4th May 2021
Tuesday 8:58 pm
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>> No. 30729 Anonymous
4th May 2021
Tuesday 2:50 pm
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I think everyone I ever talk to under 50 and above the age of 10 has developed a disease where they are such a pedant they strip the joy out of everything and focus on arguing some minor point. Everything is about technically correct arguing the point, never the concept presented or advancing the conversation in a positive way.

I've seen friends talk their way out of hanging out with each other because they got caught on some minor point of what we were going to do when we met up so the event never got organised. The law of Triviality seems to poison everything, and is probably the reason only egotists seem to make society advance.
I couldn't decide if this was a /101/ or belonged here I felt here suited better.

>> No. 30345 Anonymous
19th January 2021
Tuesday 12:37 pm
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This is something of a meta-thread, though the topic is of some personal relevance to me as well.

I've been increasingly led to the thought that Asperger's and autism spectrum conditions are tremendously overdiagnosed. Without even going into the conversation about whether it's a useful set of characteristics to label, if there are physiological markers, etc., I think even according to existing criteria many people are mistakenly lumped under the category for reasons that are more properly related to increased chronic stress and anxiety, as well as more intense emotional isolation than ever.

Do you lads have any thoughts on this?
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>> No. 30688 Anonymous
30th March 2021
Tuesday 11:18 am
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>How much of what we consider "autistic" behaviour is really innate, and how much is a response to our experiences?

Discussing or researching that question is pretty much career suicide.

>> No. 30689 Anonymous
30th March 2021
Tuesday 11:34 am
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>Don't you just get more competent at working round the annoyances over time? Like anyone does at anything?

The argument is it would be like expecting a blind man to tell you what colour something is, or a legless man to high jump. It is assumed that there is a particular mechanism absent that is required for these things and it isn’t there. It doesn't matter how much I insist my cat understands what I am saying they aren't going to talk English back to me.

>How much of what we consider "autistic" behaviour is really innate, and how much is a response to our experiences?

'grown out of' lad here, I think part of it is a question of how much does the criteria for being autistic relate directly to those questions, because some times the 2 can be synonymous and other times they are hinting at something underlying indirectly.

The reason the questionnaire exists is probably because of the Rosenhan experiment it is felt there needs to be an 'objective criteria' so professionals don't get caught out and look stupid, so everything needs to have a questionnaire, even if those questions might not get at the underlying point.
I obviously said that I have been formally diagnosed but came up neurotypical on that test, but to play devil's avocado for my own 'grown out of it' maybe they asked the wrong questions... for example I have pretty classic Savant syndrome traits. on a IQ test broken down by area I score around 90 for language related questions, but for abstract patterns score 157 (a number so absurd that when people lie and claim high IQ they would never go that high), that would seem like a better move obvious requirement, and yet; not all autistics have that which would make it meaningless to diagnose them, and to flip back from avocado devildo again, I quite probably have brain damage, which is considered the other cause for savant syndrome, then again ‘if it looks like a duck’, isn’t it easier to group what I have with the people who have similar traits and problems even if it isn’t technically the same, isn’t every case basically unique anyway, the ‘average person’ doesn’t exist as they say.
Essentially diagnosis run into the classic problem of over specified criteria and they exclude things that should be part of that group, over broad and the preverbal Diogenes the Cynic turns up with a plucked chicken saying it is a man because by the stands they have set, it is. Which I think is why they have hedged their bets on a spectrum, even if in reality 99% of people are on one end of it. - Missing an arm, is probably classified as a spectrum by the same logic, there is a meaningful practical difference between some of a hand, no hand, no elbow and no humerus that the rest of us don't really need to think about and for practical purposes and isn’t a person with a paralysed arm in a similar enough boat even if they don’t meet the criteria to be treated the same as someone with no arm? Isn’t easier to group them with the people with no arms even though that technically doesn’t make sense.
>> No. 30690 Anonymous
30th March 2021
Tuesday 12:13 pm
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Aren't we somewhat stuck with that while our diagnostic tools are as crude as asking questions and hopefully noting the answers, then looking things up in the big book of hints?
Maybe crude is wrong, maybe you really can do some modelling to work backwards from Q&A to the actual thing you're trying to fix, assuming it's something you can model that way? Hidden Markov Model style?
In 20-50 years, we're going to look back and shake our heads at our fumblings, but what can you do?
>> No. 30691 Anonymous
30th March 2021
Tuesday 6:23 pm
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There is some difference in brain activity that is measurable with certain psychiatric disorders autism being one of them.

unrelated note; I looked up the sally anne test on wikipedia as I was making this post and found this quote "Eye tracking of chimpanzees, bonobos, and orangutans suggests that all three anticipate the false beliefs of a subject in a King Kong suit"
>> No. 30692 Anonymous
30th March 2021
Tuesday 7:09 pm
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The average score graphs tell you plenty about the usefullness of this test to be honest. 5% of people diagnosed with ASD will score 20, and 5% of neurotypical people will score nearly 40. Yes that's at the extreme ends but there is just too large an overlap in scores for it to be anywhere near definitive.

The types of questions are also highly leading as well, and heavily dependant on context. Take the questions like "do you enjoy socialising?" People I know well and am comfortable with in a familiar setting, yes I enjoy it. Socialising in a business setting where I can talk about work, yes I enjoy it to some extent. If I've had a stressful day at work and my boss calls me and asks me about my weekend I've been feeling like I'm almost having a panic attack.
Things that are really indicative of ASD are things like being able to make eye-contact, and for a lot of people that's difficult to answer truthfully because they're just not aware that they're failing to do it. At the age of 18 I just couldn't do that, at 30 I force myself to do it most of the time but I'm aware that I still sometimes have entire conversations with colleagues without even looking at them.
Which also leads to the question of age, if I try and answer to how I look back at myself as and 18 year old, I'd score more like 30-35, rather than 27 now. But I'd say that's more through learning and experience rather than fundamental changes to how my brain is working.

With questionnaires like this there's also the issue of overlap with depression and anxiety. These often go hand-in-hand with ASD and it's not possible to truly pick out what's a cause and what's an effect of the different symptoms.

>> No. 30654 Anonymous
21st March 2021
Sunday 2:05 pm
30654 Improve my speaking skills
I lack empathy, especially the skill of telling people what they wish to hear. I had to change my career, and now this is a required skill in my workplace. I need to be able to flatter a manager or to make a pleasant presentation, otherwise I would not go far. My technical skills are top notch, I just need to be a better ass-kisser (i.e. "soft skills").

I went to a therapist, and he told me that I have some heavy underlying problems and refused to help the way I wanted to be helped. I have neither the time nor the money to do some serious therapy.

Any idea on where to find a "life coach" or something like that? I have seen some, but they all look and talk like snake oil salesmen.
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>> No. 30657 Anonymous
21st March 2021
Sunday 2:19 pm
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>>30655 is a solid recommendation and after reading it I would also recommend picking up some books on negotiation (e.g. Negotiation Genius).

>Any idea on where to find a "life coach" or something like that? I have seen some, but they all look and talk like snake oil salesmen.

That's what they are. As an aside, and without knowing the full story, I'm also very sceptical on the therapist's diagnosis for this given the science of workplace relations and growth is a load of bollocks focused more on creating an office family than delivering results.
>> No. 30658 Anonymous
21st March 2021
Sunday 2:35 pm
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This is a good suggestion.


You seem to be conflating a few different things here. Empathy, speaking skills, social identity, and manipulating people are distinct (albeit related) characteristics.

Empathy isn't about telling people what they want to hear, but mentally placing yourself in their position and allowing yourself (to the extent that you can) to feel what they'd feel, think what they'd think. How deep you go with that empathy is pretty contextual. With someone like a manager or a group of presentation attendees, I don't think many people expect a deep understanding of their psychology, it's really more of a case of following the golden rule: treat others as you'd like to be treated.

Since you mention you don't want serious therapy at the moment, this might be a case of practicing socialising and public speaking in a controlled, and ideally sympathetic, environment. I know social events are a bit scarce at the moment, but even taking the opportunity to join a Zoom group or speak among friends on Discord might be a good shout.

For what it's worth, one thing I learned early on in my career is that others will generally mirror your mood. If you set a relaxed tone for your presentations or social interactions, others will generally come around to feeling relaxed as well. What you might need to do to feel relaxed going into it will vary depending on who you are -- exercise, a good night of sleep, whatever -- but generally taking good care of your needs and practicing thoroughly should be enough.

As someone who is a technical person as well, it drives me insane that the quality of what you say or the expression of your ideas is virtually irrelevant when it comes to the majority of audiences; just saying it in the right tone is apparently enough. And remember, no matter how shit your presentations are, there are still technical people like me around who would still prefer to listen to you over a mediocre TEDx speaker.
>> No. 30659 Anonymous
21st March 2021
Sunday 2:36 pm
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He was not an office therapist, he was a BACP psychotherapist that I hired to help. Sadly, things did not work out. I tried another, and he just refused to take my case for the same reason. Do you know where I can find a therapist specialized in office environment?

> science of workplace relations and growth is a load of bollocks focused more on creating an office family than delivering results.

That's exactly what I need right now. Maybe I will seek some serious therapy later, but now it is not the time.

As I said, I need some trained feedback with someone telling me "no, this body language/ tone of voice looks aggressive" or "no, this phrase looks dismissive." Maybe I should hire an acting teacher.
>> No. 30660 Anonymous
21st March 2021
Sunday 2:43 pm
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Good points, I have not defined the problem clearly. What I need is corporate ass-kissing, the art of "sensing" what people want to hear and saying that in a pleasant way. In a decent world, this skill would be useless, but when I need to interact with a manager or (God forbid) an HR it becomes of primary importance. Those kinds of people do not care at all if you are right or wrong, they just need their asses kissed. Lots of people in the corporate world think that their feelings do not care about facts, and punish you if your facts make them angry.
>> No. 30661 Anonymous
21st March 2021
Sunday 3:38 pm
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>As I said, I need some trained feedback with someone telling me "no, this body language/ tone of voice looks aggressive" or "no, this phrase looks dismissive." Maybe I should hire an acting teacher.

This sounds more like something you should be asking a line manager or experienced colleague. Not for a structured lesson, at least initially, but the tips and tricks they use to sell to this or that person and if they're present when you speak to give some short feedback on how it went.

If that doesn't work then you could arrange at a corporate level for training in advising/briefing/presenting. It sounds like you can easily make a business case for this.

>> No. 30335 Anonymous
9th January 2021
Saturday 1:52 pm
30335 Is this self pity? How would I address that?
Having acted a general idiot and perhaps cunt, I feel I've alienated myself from an online community. This wouldn't be a major problem except that I have no other community on or offline and I've come to regard this one with familiarity.

For most of my adult life I've sheltered myself from society, for sake of this inclination toward public embarrassment. I don't lose control of myself or conciously engage in destructive behaviour - rather I become comfortable in the situation and behave less inhibited. Mild doses of SSRIs have made this behaviour more apparant in the past.

I feel as though living as reserved as I usually do may be a problem. I don't often have fun nor engage with other people reguarly.
I want to be responsibly sociable. But as any whining coward, I immidiately turn to excuses. The risk of feeling this useless again is great - What's worse is that people see it and judge, casting the character as cement in society.

I fool myself with delusions of gandure that I might one day own a cottage and garden to offer a wife or partner, but then this happens again and I realise like the Artillary Man there is a gulf between my dreams and power.

A few times through life I've witnessed these sort of confidence trickster type people who roll in, create a buzz and a following, achieve a goal then roll out again leaving only destruction and those who don't follow. I can see how i idolise this sort of behaviour and desperately want to replicate it.
To run from place to place seems fundamentally dishonest - to disallow people to witness your mistakes and only return when you're made capable and impressive. All you'd really be learning is to run from critisism and get out before the game is up.

I don't really know what this post is meant for, except to perpetuate a myth of character. And I tell myself I hate that.
I guess all i need to do is find a ballance between introversion and extroversion.
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>> No. 30337 Anonymous
9th January 2021
Saturday 2:19 pm
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Without meaning to sound like I'm marking your homework, there's lots of different threads here, and I think you might be equivocating a bit between ideas that aren't strictly related.

Are you really aiming to replicate the "confidence trickster" behaviour? It sounds like you're aware of the value of honesty in and of itself. You're imagining a wife or partner, but that relationship will be hollow unless you allow them to see your flaws.

It sounds like you're struggling a lot with the problem of "being seen" and your self-image. This isn't an easy thing to figure out for anyone, but I find the more you can turn to your own objective merits and achievements, and be up-front about your limitations, the more people will respect you for who you are.

I'm sure you have qualities as an individual that others value, and your recognition that you might have misbehaved in the past is a good sign that you don't want to harm others. In short, don't give up on yourself as a person and do your very best not to make yourself a better person in your own eyes.
>> No. 30338 Anonymous
9th January 2021
Saturday 2:20 pm
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Do your very best to make yourself a better person in your own eyes.

I accidentally negated the last bit and can't delete my post. What a silly sausage.
>> No. 30649 Anonymous
20th March 2021
Saturday 7:49 pm
30649 Integration with society


It's happening again, this time within a gaming community.

Apparently my behaviour is suspicious within the group (Very serious business, this game), twice now have my questions been answered with what seems like a heavy handed implication that people expressing such things will be banned. I'm not talking inapropriate topics, only stuff related to the game and how it's played.

My concern isn't for losing another community, nor that i don't particularly like many of the participants. My concern is that this is repeat behaviour on my part, the pattern of which is becoming apparent throughout my history.

It's regular that i essentially shun communities, disengage and leave by myself. It's usual that i'm alone, talking perhaps to an imaginary friend.
Throughout highschool i'd take periods of days whereby i wouldn't respond to my friends - One in particular even started asking 'You're having a quiet day, today?". I allowed myself to drift from him, then allowed another old friend to drift away, pushed even.

I just don't seem to know how social interaction works. I've heard that people like to talk about themselves, so i offer people the chance to do exactly that - prompts and questions to let them know i'm listening, but little i'm aware of that actually expresses my own opinion. I guess people detect this and come away feeling they don't really know me? But where do you draw the line in personal communication - this is a gaming group of strangers across the world, am i really to tell them about my personal life?

I think a part of the problem is that i went into this group expecting to make friends, only to find the medium isn't really designed for that. It seems more about making buddies than support groups.
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>> No. 30650 Anonymous
20th March 2021
Saturday 8:15 pm
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Is integrating with new friend groups something we really need or want to do, as adults? I don't remember my parents spending all that time with other adults. You've people you work with, who can change with the job, and you've your good friends who you catch up with once a week at most, less often than that if they live further away. Those aren't weaker or less valuable relationships but we're not teenagers any more, don't need constant social validation from a gang of mates.
I've blown off four online communities in the past month for four different reasons but don't feel bad about it. I care about eventually seeing my family and the people I've known a very long time, more. But I won't spend a long time engaging with them when I do, as you would a gaming community.
>> No. 30651 Anonymous
20th March 2021
Saturday 9:05 pm
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It sounds like you are on edge because you have let people in, and are now scared what they might do. I understand the fear of getting hurt, but as far as I am concerned, this is an absolute win.

>> No. 30560 Anonymous
12th March 2021
Friday 9:54 am
30560 Was I the asshole? Locked
I had an argument with the normie cunts on Reddit, maybe you can give me your opinion:

Many years ago I was living in a student house with some Chinese guys. They were extremely dirty, loud, and unrespectful, but I was forced to stay there for three months. A couple of times they woke me up at three in the morning by partying in the common area. Both times I asked them to not do that again, since I had to work the following morning, and they just ignored me.

The third time I just kicked open the kitchen door and barged in with a meat cleaver, screaming and threatening them to turn them into pork ribs. They all got scared and ran away, it was the first time in my life I saw a dozen of guys (some of them quite big) scared off by a single man. No physical courage at all, those people.

The day after, they became all respectful and polite. We laid out some rules (no partying after midnight in common area, unless on a weekend) and everything went smoothly.

The normie cunts on Reddit told me that in that situation I was the asshole and that I was wrong. When I asked how I should have handled the situation, they just downvoted and banned me. Cunts... How should I have handled it? The landlord did not give a damn about this sort of things.
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>> No. 30632 Anonymous
16th March 2021
Tuesday 6:27 pm
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I get your succinct point there, my bad. I can't imagine myself in that situation because I'd never be enough of a bellend to ignore someone speaking up about sleep problems, which is also probably why I'm very ready to hear OP out as I have oddly strong feelings on sleep.

I was imagining that if I *was* in that situation, I'd probably not be fazed because I'd been knowingly driving someone towards a breaking point, so...yeah, IDK. I can't put myself in shoes that would never walk where I would.

If we can agree that OP was an arsehole, and could have caused mental trauma, can we agree that it's also understandable how he got to that point, due to the effects of sleep deprivation and how it can cause irrational and uncharacteristic behaviour? If this were the other place, I'd say "You're all arseholes" because OP went from like 5 to 100 and the bigger group pushed him into it despite repeated polite attempts to ask them to stop.

Are you sure you're not mistaking empathy for apologism? I've never done what OP did, but with some worse flatmates and more persistent noise, I can see myself getting irrational enough to see that as a solution. But I've been one of the biggest "I understand"ers for OP and I still don't think he's not an arsehole, just that I understand why and if he doesn't do it again, then I'm not going to fault him for it.
>> No. 30633 Anonymous
16th March 2021
Tuesday 8:02 pm
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OP here. Guys, stop feeding the troll. He's either trolling, or being such a massive 'tard that speaking with him is pointless.
>> No. 30634 Anonymous
16th March 2021
Tuesday 8:17 pm
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Lad, fuck the fuck off with those macros, and come up with another insult while you're at it.
>> No. 30635 Anonymous
16th March 2021
Tuesday 8:20 pm
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Mate, it's your 'apologist' here. You're not helping yourself. You either came on here for AITA, in which case YTA but so was everyone else, and I obviously think a lot of people would have been an arsehole in that situation. But can you stop being an arsehole now?

If you think you've got a genuine anger issue, let's talk about that. If you think you just freaked out and it's never happened before or since, then you got your judgement and you can go on with closure.
>> No. 30636 Anonymous
16th March 2021
Tuesday 8:40 pm
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I'm not in the mood to try to figure out who's to blame for this thread going to shit, I suspect everyone. I'm pretty sure OP has his answer. Sort it out, stop behaving like this in /emo/ the lot of you.

>> No. 30590 Anonymous
13th March 2021
Saturday 3:37 pm
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Is it normal in a relationship to feel sometimes that your partner hates you? Sometimes I find the way she speaks to me is atrocious - I'd never use those words or that tone with a partner, friend or stranger. If I make a point of it, she'll immediately try and turn it into something I have (or haven't done), and then act grumpy, pouty and uncommunicative. The more I try to bring her around, the deeper she'll go into her mood, which this will last until I (always me) extend another olive branch once she's calmed down. Is this women? Is it just this woman? I can't imagine my sisters behaving like this with their partners.
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>> No. 30591 Anonymous
13th March 2021
Saturday 3:46 pm
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>I find the way she speaks to me is atrocious - I'd never use those words or that tone with a partner, friend or stranger.
Can you give us an example?

>she'll immediately try and turn it into something I have (or haven't done), and then act grumpy, pouty and uncommunicative
Really bad sign, imo. If she won't communicate honestly or self-reflect then I don't see what you can do. Try not extending the olive branch next time.
>> No. 30592 Anonymous
13th March 2021
Saturday 3:55 pm
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Well, you've said you're unhappy with it and yet she's refused to acknowledge your problem. Any other time and I'd recommend taking her out somewhere dead nice to see if she's just generalised piss-off with you, if that doesn't change anything then bin her which would be what I'd hazard she herself is hoping for if that's case.

But due to Covid she might just be fed up with you two being cooped together for so long. Maybe deliberately give her some space and if she asks, mention that you don't want to live walking on eggshells and if she kicks off then she's just being a cunt rather than a covid-cunt.
>> No. 30593 Anonymous
13th March 2021
Saturday 3:57 pm
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What >>30592 said.
>> No. 30599 Anonymous
14th March 2021
Sunday 9:38 am
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I don't want to all fall into the cliche online advice of "break up with her" but that is the way this cycle seems to be going.

Assuming you have properly tried to engage her over her problems (which I have no reason to suspect you haven't). The only other play I know is to talk to her about how it makes you feel and see if that changes anything.

Is it possible that she wants to break up but isn't willing to take action?

>> No. 30524 Anonymous
5th March 2021
Friday 2:45 pm
30524 Lack of sex drive
Bit of an embarassing one lads, my sex drive has taken a battering. Me an my fiance have always had mismatched libido's so this is nothing completely new, but recently, I've had practically no interest in sex, not even masturbation when I'm alone. When we do have sex, it feels like a real effort (it's more to shut her up, she guilts me with the 'you constantly reject me and make me feel unwanted') and I get little enjoyment from it and feel a little depressed/lonely afterwards (this is a new feeling).

It's nothing personal to her, I just don't want sex. If this was the other way around and she didn't want it but I kept badgering her, I'm sure she would be calling me all kinds of things in front of her friends.

Any ideas on what I can do? Anyone gone through this before?

I know it can get worse with age; I turned 30 a month ago, but surely I'm not old enough to see a decrease in libido am I?
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>> No. 30577 Anonymous
12th March 2021
Friday 4:03 pm
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No, it's by a tiny amount each year.
>> No. 30578 Anonymous
12th March 2021
Friday 4:39 pm
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You say that but I've had a similar experience to >>30576. I was a horny fucker all through my twenties and then all of a sudden I hit twenty-nine/thirty and I feel like my penis has gone to sleep forever. It's disturbing.
>> No. 30586 Anonymous
13th March 2021
Saturday 1:59 am
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I'm at the end of my thirties and if I get the flat to myself (a rare thing these days) I could easily have five wanks in a day and I'm not exactly dripping testosterone out of every pore. I'm not expecting my sex drive to die out for a long while yet, even if it does wax and wane with my general mood / mental health outlook.
>> No. 30587 Anonymous
13th March 2021
Saturday 9:39 am
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Finding the cause for lack of libido is a bit like finding the cause for a headache -- often there's just too many factors at play to really isolate one and say "fix this, OP".

That said the thread has already come up with many plausible explanations. It could be any combination of alcohol, unhealthy living, stress or unhappiness, or issues in your relationship.

A bit more detail might help. When were you last having sex regularly, and has anything changed since then?
>> No. 30589 Anonymous
13th March 2021
Saturday 1:53 pm
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>How did it work out for you in the end?

Probably not what you want to hear but it ended up, well, ending. Not entirely because of the sex thing though, in fairness; and in retrospect part of the reason I didn't want to fuck her was all those little things that would eventually split us up.

And if I'm completely honest with myself that was the thing- It wasn't my sex drive that was gone, it's just that I didn't want to fuck her. I'm an introvert at heart so any great amount of time spent with another person eventually wears down my energy, and she wouldn't ever leave me alone long enough to recharge. If she'd have given me a bit more space, I might have had more enthusiasm for it, but I couldn't get that through to her, try as I might.

Comparing it to my current partner, there's a night and day difference. We're not fucking every morning and every night, it's maybe once a week or two at the moment. But given the circumstances of the past year that's understandable, we're practically prison cellmates, so we don't give each other any grief over it. She did ask me once if I was losing interest in her, and I asked her in return, "When's the last time you sucked my knob?" and she went "Yeah, fair point."

It's hard to find her really desirable when 99% of the time all I see is her sat there slobbing it in front of the telly with greasy hair, in her dressing gown, covered in the stains of spilled Chinese. It's hardly sexy in b4 "speak for yourself", and I'm perfectly sure she feels the same way about me sat in the dark with a thousand yard stare in front of Elder Scrolls Online, having only got up to either piss or make Pot Noodle for the past two days. But given the circumstances, it's not really fair to expect each other to try much harder.

Point is, there's no conflict or tension over it, so it's not brewing into something ugly down the line. If it was my ex we'd probably have come to physical violence by now.

Anyway sage for turning this into my own blog post, soz.

>> No. 30481 Anonymous
28th February 2021
Sunday 12:19 pm
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I think lockdown got to me.

I had to make a decision based on my career between picking two jobs and I went a bit nuts. Nothing crazy but I stopped sleeping, eating properly or living my life. My work faltered and I just kept delaying decisions and caused a mess. It led to some trouble for me.

This somehow concluded in me pacing around my flat and generally just feeling like I wasn't myself as I twitched my neck and did stuff that generally I don't associate with myself. Heart racing, lots of pacing, lots of just generally odd behaviour and spiralling. Started to feel like not a huge amount mattered anymore and just needed a break and to start again or start fresh despite that not being a clear or sensible choice. I also stopped engaging with people and thought through every possible scenario ever and got no further along.

I've looked into getting a therapist.

Has anybody had this? I don't know if I should be worried about the fact I've spiralled in such a way or just accept it's partly due to the stress of lockdown and maybe I'm not alone.

It was quite scary and I felt in a very, very, dark place. Can anybody advise? Is this to be expected being locked up inside or is this something to be worried about?
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>> No. 30491 Anonymous
28th February 2021
Sunday 5:46 pm
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Happiness is always more important than money, and you have the luxury of being in a position where you wouldn't be poor in either case. If you have even the slightest reason to believe that the grass isn't actually greener, don't do it.

Most people will give you the same old "you'll never get anywhere if you don't take risks!" bullshit, but that only applies if you're not already in a job you like. If you are, I think you should always think very, very carefully about leaving.

Bit like my mate who divorced his wife last year and now wants her back- You'll be very lucky to get a second chance.
>> No. 30492 Anonymous
28th February 2021
Sunday 5:51 pm
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Thank you anon. I've spent months agonising and your post has helped me to relax somewhat.

I really need to get better at decisions that have both downsides and upsides.

Everybody tells you to always push yourself but at what point does it end?

I know a girl who quit her inner city London law job to become a photographer and wish I was that brave. I asked her why and she said when you're 15 you kind of start making choices about your career and your life and I studied and studied for years and worked for years without ever asking do I still want to do law? She said when she took two weeks off she realised the resounding answer was no and she's delayed quitting because being the successful lawyer had become her identity and that was it.
>> No. 30493 Anonymous
28th February 2021
Sunday 8:04 pm
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Whatever you choose to do, it's good to remember that very few choices in our life are binary or permanent. There are usually more options than you think and the cost of making a bad choice is rarely as bad as you think. The fear of failure usually has far worse consequences than failure itself.
>> No. 30494 Anonymous
28th February 2021
Sunday 9:17 pm
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You're welcome ladm9.

I've had my fair share of shit jobs, and thanks to that I developed a different sense of perspective than that which most people seem to have. From where I'm sitting, a job you don't actively loathe is something precious worth holding onto, because you can't say the same for the great majority of jobs.

I'm the type of person who's never been able to stick with anything I don't enjoy, and that's a big reason my life was going absolutely nowhere until my mid 20s. But on the flipside the perspective of the law lass you mention feels completely alien to me. I find it difficult to understand how people get that far in life as though they're just on rails, without ever questioning the fact they're utterly disinterested in what they're doing. I think the common wisdom regarding "pushing yourself" and all that is actively unhealthy for us in a great many cases.

Money is the obvious answer, I know. I suppose it's because I never had money to begin with that I never felt I was missing out on much. I've walked out of jobs at lunch time and been back on the dole by that afternoon, because at the end of the day, if your days will be miserable regardless, what's the point?

But yeah. Don't beat yourself up about what could have been or if you're letting yourself down somehow. Go with your gut.
>> No. 30504 Anonymous
2nd March 2021
Tuesday 12:40 pm
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It sounds like an anxiety attack. Breathe, realise that the feeling will pass and that the situation can be controlled.

From what you have said, go with your gut, chasing money and making yourself miserable isn't worth it, unless you have a goal in mind in which case you can endure the misery for a known and limited time.

You have the benefit of good pay in either case. I love what I do, I'm respected and good at it, but the downside is I get paid £18K, if I could have all the positivity and be on £40K I'd be laughing.

Neerja hanot.png
>> No. 30452 Anonymous
23rd February 2021
Tuesday 12:12 pm
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Some years ago in a local Lidl, an entire shop worth of people including myself witnessed an adult menace and physically abuse a child. None of us did anything except look away and express condemnation in hussed tones afterwards. We cared for nothing but our own embarrassment, and showed that to the child.

For a long time I thought I was waiting for an opportunity to show a heroic character - to do something 'selfless' - but since neglecting that child I've realised I've been offered many, and the proof of my self is in my reaction now.

How can I go on morally knowing that children are being abused, while I sit here doing nothing? How I we make things right?
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>> No. 30459 Anonymous
23rd February 2021
Tuesday 2:21 pm
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OP, you taught the kid a very important lesson: it's every man for himself, nobody is going to help ever. He should be grateful to you for teaching him such a concept. I was abused as a kid, it only stopped when my father had a strange domestic accident including a pot of boiling water. Nobody else helped, and my whore mother only made things worse. That's life. He was shit, the child abuser in LIDL was shit, you were shit for not helping, I am shit for various things that I cannot talk about here. Everything is shit.
>> No. 30460 Anonymous
23rd February 2021
Tuesday 2:35 pm
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I can say that I am one of those people that does intervene, I have step in-between people before they get into fights I have restrained and tackled strangers who are about to hit another stranger with an object. I've literally picked up a collapse person like in this experiment >>30453 several times, one time it was on the way to a job interview just outside which leads me to believe it might have been some sort of test of character.

And the reactions people have to that is strange, people treat it like it is bravado when I talk about that I would do it, and at the time people treat it like I have done something really stupid, hostilely so, or they treat it like nothing happened at all and just return to normality instantly.

I'll grant you I can't rationalize, it is a snap decision where 99% of people go one way and I go the other, the needs of the self are outweighed by the situation, is my reaction perfect, no, but the point is I acted, and I think I sleep better with my fuck ups. Even when I accidently kidnapped a sick cat thinking it was a stray and had to have an awkward conversation with the owner the next day.
>> No. 30461 Anonymous
23rd February 2021
Tuesday 2:40 pm
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My dad and his mate were coming home from a night out once and saw a bloke pushing his girlfriend about, they challenged him and ended up being set on by both the abuser and the girlfriend. It's a very common scenario in domestic abuse situations, due to a combination of Stockholm Syndrome and the victim perhaps fearing a worse beating from the abuser later on due to failing to come to their aid.

Also, my sister was once sexually harassed on the bus late at night by a gang of chav scumbags; another teenager bravely told them to leave her alone, at which point the gang promptly beat the shit out of him before fleeing the bus. My point being, playing the Good Samaritan, while seeming like the honourable thing to do, almost never turns out well in reality and will more likely than not land you either in a police cell or in hospital depending on the outcome. Even if you somehow magically channel your inner Bruce Lee and deck the bad guy, in this day and age with phone cameras and social media there's every chance that your "assault" on them could be filmed and taken completely out of context and get you fired from your job or worse.
>> No. 30462 Anonymous
23rd February 2021
Tuesday 2:51 pm
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>> a combination of Stockholm Syndrome and the victim perhaps fearing a worse beating from the abuser later on due to failing to come to their aid.

That's only partly true. Cunts get turned on by abuse and by seeing their mate bullying and abusing other people. My (whore) mother was completely unable to defend herself or her sons, but she became fierce and corageous everytime she had to defend her abusive husband. She lied to police, teachers and social services to protect the same husband that would beat her up, steal money from her and give her STD's. Years later, my girlfriends confided to me that they were turned on when I abused them. Cunts needs to be fucked, otherwise they will fuck you.
>> No. 30464 Anonymous
24th February 2021
Wednesday 5:40 pm
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I would hope to save children from developing exactly this attitude - it's clearly a very distressing one to foster.

>> No. 30440 Anonymous
22nd February 2021
Monday 10:08 am
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I am apprehensive about lockdown ending because it'll just remind me my brain is a mess because of me not because of some outside entity.

I have forgotten that I haven't had any friends or relations or anyone to talk to for four years previously, since summer 2016. The nature of how I feel has changed in the last six months, I am more bitter, envious, there is more self resentment where before there was just emptiness.
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>> No. 30446 Anonymous
22nd February 2021
Monday 5:03 pm
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Get a WFH job once this is over?
>> No. 30447 Anonymous
22nd February 2021
Monday 5:05 pm
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Why so I can continue this cursed existence indefinitely? Lockdown comes, lockdown goes, my life doesn't change a fucking bit I'm still the same sad loner subhuman freak I was half a decade ago when this started.
>> No. 30448 Anonymous
22nd February 2021
Monday 6:12 pm
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Do some kind of spiritual practice
Create something

What do you like? There must be things you think are good and you can surely maneuver yourself to make your life to revolve around them more.

My life has been on the rocks since 2015 and there are many days when this pandemic feels like the final nail in a coffin, but I have faith that there are better days on the other side of this and I am planning on correcting the things I don't like about my life that I have the power to change.
>> No. 30449 Anonymous
22nd February 2021
Monday 6:14 pm
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Then the lockdown is irrelevant, and the only thing that could possibly change your situation is you. If it is difficult or painful or not is irrelevant the point is only you could possibly change it.
>> No. 30450 Anonymous
22nd February 2021
Monday 7:46 pm
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I kind of know what you mean, OP. I've reverted back to NEEThood and when people ask me how I've spent lockdown "not even being arsed to watch TV shows I'd probably like" isn't much of an answer. I think my rage issues pre-date COVID though so that's on me.

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